The last year and a half have brought some of the most unexpected, intense, emotional, confusing, and heartbreaking experiences I’ve ever gone through. What started as just another thing with just another boy, suddenly turned into a relationship that took full control over my heart and left me to where I am now…having to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, rebuild my mindset and focus for love.
Believe it or not, before you, I was fiercely independent, strong, and sure of who I was and what I wanted in a relationship. Then you came along…and it hit me like a ton of bricks. From the moment I met you, I felt something I’d never felt before. I was drawn to you, and no matter how hard I tried to protect my heart, I gave in to my foolishness and let myself feel for you.
I know things are over now and we are both moving in different directions of our lives, but I need to somehow justify all that we were. I know I won’t ever get the, I guess you could call it, closure from you that I’d hope for and deserve, so I’m going to give myself closure.
A lot happened between us during our time…together (not sure what exactly to call what we were). So much stuff that was so damn significant and important at the time, but I can’t even remember now. All I know is that you played your game really freaking well. I liked you so much…so much that it hurt…all the time. You’re not an idiot so I’m sure you knew how I felt about you. And if you didn’t, you truly are an asshole and literally paid no attention to me beyond what I could provide for you. (I’m just going to tell myself you knew).
I’m mad at myself every day, especially writing this now, for letting myself get emotionally invested to the point I did. I even tried to lie to myself at the beginning. I told myself I truly didn’t like you…you were just a chill guy and fun to be around. Psshhh. I tried as hard as I literally could and did everything in my power to not let myself like you, but I wasn’t strong enough to fight what I felt. As much as I didn’t want to feel the way I did, I couldn’t help it.
As time progressed, we became more and more familiar with each other, and it got to point where you knew just how to get me. You knew just what to say to me to keep me hanging on and to reel me back in. I didn’t want to be the one in our relationship who fell harder than the other, so not matter how hard it was for me and how badly I just wanted to spill out my heart to you when I was with you, I bit my tongue and put on the not even interested and playing hard to get act. I’d even turn you down sometimes, which took everything in my power to do, just to make it look like I wasn’t that into you. I guess I also thought that if I wasn’t such a “yes girl” all the time, you’d be more into the challenge. I truly don’t even think you noticed.
Every day within that year and a half, I would tell myself I’m just going to get over you soon enough and move on like no big deal. I had to tell myself that, because I was scared to death every day that I had become one of those girls who I didn’t respect. The girls who let guys play them and manipulate them to make them think they care more than they do and twist their minds and emotions to turn them crazy and unsure of everything. I used to look at those girls and pity them, but then genuinely feel bad. I never understood how a girl could give another person all the power and control over her. It was ignorant, weak, irresponsible, and a result of a awful self-esteem. Sure enough, I turned into the thing I pitied.
You were the most confusing guy I’d ever met. It was like, sometimes we were just friends. Sometimes we were way more than friends. Other times, I’d be a stranger to you. I never knew what you wanted to be with me each day, but I just laid low and tried to reciprocate the way you were towards me. I like you so much that I’d put up with whatever you brought upon me. I wanted you to feel like it was easy with me. Like we didn’t have to try, and we could have fun together no matter what. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to talk to you every single day, and just know about your life. I wanted you to open up to me. I wanted you to want to know me too. It never got to that point. But again, I lied to myself and let myself believe that one day it would.
The single worst part of our relationship was that I, honest to God, would have sworn on my life, that you felt something for me too. And that’s the biggest reason I let myself develop feelings for you, because out of all the relationships in my past (which included all types of different situations), no one had ever looked at me the way you did. I’d never felt that magnetic, undeniable, breathtaking connection with anyone before. It was so obvious and right to me that we were meant to be something more, that I allowed my strong self discipline disappear and went all in.
And that’s what hurts the absolute most. Either (1), I was so mentally messed up that I had myself so convinced that you had feelings for me and our entire time together I was being played as an ignorant fool, or (2) I wasn’t crazy and you did feel something for me, but you never acted upon them. I know we had talked about it a couple different times and you probably said you didn’t see me like that, but I don’t know…I must not have cared, but that’s how confident I was that our connection was real.
Regardless, I guess I just needed to get it all out there and I can stop walking around keeping this inside. I did that the whole time and it controlled my life. You controlled my life. (Which I HATE admitting, because that’s the number one thing I never want a guy to have over me…but you did). My nights, my outfits, my thoughts — everything was revolved around you. So yeah, you had me pretty messed up. You win.
So, with all that being said, I finally got to pour out my heart and get rid of this burden that’s been weighing so heavily on me. I don’t even care if you read this or not. The fact that I finally am taking control over what’s left of the situation is extremely satisfying and will finally now allow me to move on and get you the f*** out of my head once and for all.
I wanted so badly and for so long to be the one you fell in love with. But truly, I am happy that you’re happy and that you found that love with someone else. I honestly think the only thing that would put an end to what we had was one of us falling for someone else, so this needed to happen. No matter how much of a selfish asshole you are, everyone deserves love.
With all the ups and downs and emotional stress I endured with you, I can at least take away the fact that eventually, my broken heart will be healed and I will have grown from this situation. I learned so much from you, which now I am confident that I will never again allow another person the power to break my heart. I will be stronger, more focused, and more sure of who I am and what I want than what I was before I met you.
That’s what I am going to make from this heartbreaking experience. God put you in my life for some reason. So I have to believe that it’s all going to make sense and be worth it in the end.
For once and for all, it’s finally time to say goodbye. I am too caring of a person to walk around wishing hate upon someone, and I could never do that to you. I do think deep down you’re a good person, and I have confidence that you’ll become the man I always knew you had the potential to be. Good luck with everything, I wish you nothing but the best.